The real reason you are fighting all the time

Today I spoke with a family who, like so many others I work with, is caught in a constant cycle of conflict.

It’s not that they don’t love each other. It’s not that they’re not trying.

It’s that they keep missing each other’s signals.

A simple reminder about brushing teeth turns into a meltdown.

A request to “just put your shoes on” spirals into yelling, tears, and slammed doors.

And every time, the parents are left wondering:
“Why is everything such a battle?”

Here’s the thing no one tells you:
It’s not about the shoes. Or the homework. Or the screen time.

It’s about the way an ADHD brain hears a request and the way a stressed, overwhelmed, tired parent delivers it.

ADHD affects emotional regulation, impulse control, and the ability to pause before reacting. So what you intended as a calm request might land like a threat.

What your child (or partner) says in the heat of the moment isn't personal, even though it hurts.

And when you don’t understand what’s really going on in those moments, it’s easy to react in ways that escalate things further.

Here are three things I shared with them today that instantly helped them see their situation in a new light:

1. It’s Not About Obedience, It’s About Processing Time

Saying something like “Go brush your teeth” might feel simple to you.
But for an ADHD brain, especially one in the middle of a game, a thought, or a sensory overload it can land like a sudden, jarring demand with no warning.

One of the tips I gave this family today was simple but powerful:
Give it 10 seconds.

After you make a request, pause. Don’t repeat it, don’t explain it again, don’t escalate. Just give it a moment to land.

Resist the urge to stand there with crossed arms, wag your finger, or tap your foot impatiently.
Instead, hold the space calmly, like you expect cooperation, not conflict.

This brief pause allows your child to shift gears, process what you said, and take action, on their own terms, in their own time.

It’s not instant magic.
But more often than not, that 10-second buffer makes the difference between a battle and a win.

2. Say Less, Mean More

When emotions are high and patience is low, it’s easy to launch into long explanations:

“I’ve told you five times to get your shoes. We’re going to be late again, and this is exactly why mornings are always so stressful!”

But here’s the problem:
For a child with ADHD, long instructions + emotional overload = instant shutdown or resistance.

One tip I shared with the family today was this:
Use short, clear statements. Then pause.

Try: “Shoes now, please.”
And stop there.

Why? Because it tells your child exactly what to focus on.
It’s not about how many times you’ve asked.
It’s not about the lateness.
It’s not about the stress, though all of those are real.

The goal right now? Shoes. On. Feet.

Every extra word adds pressure and dilutes the message.
Less input means less overwhelm and that leads to less reactivity.

Clear. Simple. Doable.

3. Respond to the Need, not to the tone.

ADHD often causes emotional misfires, impulsive words, big reactions, and things said in the heat of the moment that sound hurtful but aren’t truly meant.

I told the parents today:
“Respond to the need, not to the tone”

When your child yells “I hate you!” after being asked to do homework, it’s tempting to react with frustration or punishment.
But what’s really happening?

That outburst is a signal.
It’s not defiance, it’s overwhelm.
It’s not disrespect, it’s a request for help, hidden under a surge of emotion.

One of the most important mindset shifts I share with parents is this:
Don’t punish ADHD symptoms, teach skills instead.

Your child doesn’t need more consequences. They need coaching.
Support to manage frustration.
Tools to get started when a task feels impossible.
Help to name what they’re feeling instead of exploding.

The ability to ask for help when needed rather that react out of shame.

This shift doesn’t mean you accept all behavior.
But it helps you stay calm, step out of the conflict spiral, and build trust instead of tension.

These aren’t big, dramatic changes.
But that’s exactly the point.

Small, intentional shifts can break the cycle of fighting and bring more calm to your home.

Ready to Stop the Fighting?

If you’re tired of walking on eggshells, repeating yourself a dozen times, or wondering if you're doing something wrong know that you’re not the only one feeling this way.

And more importantly, you don’t have to keep guessing.

In a free 30-minute call, we’ll look at what’s really going on in your home and what you can do to break the cycle of conflict and overwhelm.

You’ll walk away with:

• A clearer understanding of how ADHD may be impacting your family

• A simple next step tailored to your situation

• A sense of relief that someone actually gets it

This isn’t a sales call.
It’s a support call.
And it might just be the turning point you’ve been looking for.

Go ahead, click the button, book the call and I look forward to speaking to you very soon.