The Truth Behind “Bad Behaviour”: ADHD, Dysregulation, and What Children Are Really Telling Us

When a child screams, melts down, or lashes out, it is easy to think, They are being naughty. They are out of control. They are defiant.

But the truth is often very different.

What looks like “bad behaviour” is rarely about attitude or choice. More often, it is about a brain that is struggling with regulation, a nervous system overwhelmed by demands, and an executive function system that simply cannot meet the expectation in that moment.

This is not misbehaviour. This is communication.

Why Dysregulation Looks Like Defiance

For children with ADHD or other neurodevelopmental differences, their brains process the world in ways that are fundamentally different. Executive function, the set of skills that manage time, attention, emotion and planning, is delayed by several years compared to peers.

That means a demand that seems simple to an adult (“Put your shoes on,” “Finish your homework,” “Stop shouting”) can feel impossible to a dysregulated child. Their brain is not saying, I will not. It is saying, I cannot.

Meltdowns, screaming, refusal or explosive behaviour are not power plays. They are survival responses from a child who feels cornered, flooded or unsafe in their own body.

The Neurochemistry of “Big Feelings”

ADHD is not just about attention. It is about regulation of focus, mood, impulses and energy.

Neurochemically, these children often have differences in dopamine and norepinephrine, the brain chemicals that support motivation, reward and emotional control.

When the balance is not there, emotions do not just rise. They flood. A tiny frustration can feel catastrophic. A “no” can feel like rejection. A small transition can feel like standing at the edge of a cliff.

This is why emotional responses are so much bigger, louder and harder to contain. It is not manipulation. It is neurology.

What Children Are Really Saying During a Meltdown

Every scream, every slammed door, every refusal is a message in disguise:

• “I cannot do what you are asking right now.”

• “My body and brain feel out of control.”

• “I want to do well, but I do not know how.”

• “I am overwhelmed, and I need your help to feel safe again.”

When we shift from seeing behaviour as defiance to seeing it as communication, everything changes. Instead of punishment or power struggles, we bring curiosity, compassion and strategies that work with the child’s brain rather than against it.

The Parent’s Dilemma: When It Feels Personal

Of course, knowing this does not make it easy. Parenting a child who regularly melts down can feel exhausting, embarrassing and sometimes isolating. You may feel judged by strangers or misunderstood by family members who whisper, “Why can’t you just control them?”

But here is the truth. It is not about your parenting. It is about how your child’s brain is wired. The more you understand the difference, the more empowered you become to meet them where they are.

What Helps a Dysregulated Child

Supporting a child through dysregulation means focusing less on immediate compliance and more on long-term connection and skill building.

• Co-regulation before correction: A child cannot learn when they are in fight, flight or freeze. Your calm presence helps their nervous system settle down.

• Adjust expectations: Remember executive function delays. A nine-year-old with ADHD may respond more like a six-year-old when frustrated and overwhelmed. Tailoring demands to their developmental stage prevents unnecessary explosions.

• Name the feeling, not the fault: Saying, “You are feeling frustrated,” is far more effective than, “Stop being difficult.” Naming emotions builds awareness and safety.

• Build scaffolding: Visual supports, routines and step-by-step guidance reduce overwhelm and help children succeed more often.

• Celebrate effort, not just outcome: Acknowledging even small steps builds resilience and self-worth in children who often hear more criticism than praise.

Moving From Bad Behaviour to Belonging

When we begin to see dysregulation as a sign of need, not defiance, we open the door to compassion. Children with ADHD are not broken. Their brains are simply wired differently, with strengths and sensitivities intertwined.

Your child is not trying to make life harder. They are asking, in the only way they know how, for you to see them, understand them and guide them gently through the storm.

Because beneath every meltdown is a child longing to feel safe, accepted and capable. And with the right support, they absolutely can.

Are you ready to transform your family’s ADHD journey?

This fall, I’ll be opening the doors to the Sinaps Family Transformation Journey - Group Coaching Program, including my Empowered Parents Coaching. It is a year-long path designed to bring clarity, confidence, and calm to your home and to connect you with other parents raising neurodivergent children.

Join the Insider List today to be the first to hear about upcoming free trainings and get all the details when enrollment opens.